From the outside, life for me looks very typical… work, children, romance, friends, family etc. But each piece occupies its own space… its own room. Where my life may differ from some is in the scarcity of common connections to these rooms. Not a shared lobby or a corridor in sight… at least that’s how it feels for me at the moment. This is not by design… just how it is. Pulling these different elements of my existence closer together feels increasingly essential… I have a fear that these places can’t all coexist in isolation and at some point they need to be more interconnected in order to make something fuller and more rewarding.
One outcome of my disjointed life is the large chunks of time that I spend alone… more so than at any other time in my life. A lot of my alone time is spent travelling between my disconnected rooms or when I’m resting between journeys at my little rented house.
Anyone who spends time alone knows that periods of “self-examination” are mandatory. Reflecting on what life has dished up so far and dreaming & planning the future. In my experience self- examination is rarely just about reminiscing and planning. Time alone can weigh heavy and pose difficult questions which often lead to self criticism which can be a harsh experience. If you take a peek into my car on one of my journeys you can observe man being alone. And there’s every chance that you’ll see me musing my future but you are just as likely to witness me delivering a good talking to myself… after all I’m way beyond the midway point of my life and I’m not sure that my life should be so fragmented… and why so much time alone.
For me these moments of self-deconstruction are largely fleeting. They often leave me with a sense of what true loneliness maybe feels like… but for most of us they are just moments, if we raise our heads we can see the doors to our interconnected rooms and the bigger picture.
For some, maybe many, the loneliness feels more permanent. Maybe they live in a room that is empty with no doors… not even an exit… no way out; or maybe they’ve arrived at what they thought was their ideal place but have accumulated so much baggage on their journey that they feel totally exhausted and now feel trapped by the weight of the things around them; or maybe they are being held hostage by people that were once travelling companions but have become their jailers; or maybe they’ve been in their room for too long and they’ve become too scared to open an unexplored door; or maybe the door is locked and they’ve lost the key; or maybe they’re looking at the doors waiting for someone to come in and rescue them; or maybe they’ve been abandoned and left frozen staring out of an open door.
Whilst I long for a life with connected rooms where my life flows effortlessly between them, I am grateful for the rooms I have… they provide great variety, challenges and opportunities. My fear remains however, unless I can pull them together they may become further detached and pull me apart in the process.
Ironically as soon as my vision of a fully connected existence enters my head I get thoughts and concerns about how I preserve my alone time which I now consider a friend… albeit a “know-all” with a big mouth… maybe I need another door… a door to a shed maybe.