Rescued on a wipe clean couch

I see this sign quite a bit at the moment on the M25. Free recovery… Await rescue. Kind of appealing in a non motorway setting… some might say a little romantic.

Be careful what you wish for

Be careful what you wish for

But if you’re unfortunate enough to be sitting in your chariot broken down on the M25 and feeling grateful for the prospect of a free rescue… you may want to think again.

Sitting in your car stranded in the road works is very unpleasant and you’d think I’d be grateful for a free rescue but as a guy, being rescued is emotionally a little uncomfortable…

…in “normal” life when things go wrong you tend to get some sympathy – warm looks and maybe a hug. But that doesn’t happen when you’ve inconvenienced a fellow motorway traveller by adding a 15 minute delay to his journey.

So I’m sitting there apologising to everyone that chooses to look, with their hate filled eyes, into my car as they pass me by. I’m mumbling expletives to myself as I patiently wait to be rescued. Eventually my knight in shining armour arrives… not on his trusty steed, he’s riding an over-sized tow truck, the kind of truck that tows other trucks. And my knight… he’s not wearing his traditional shiny armour his chosen protection is a thick layer of body fat squeezed into a grubby boiler suit which has been fully waterproofed by layers of grease.

“I bet you’re glad to see me” says Stevo. He quickly hooks up my ride to the Beast (the tow truck) – his words not mine – he gives me a wink and gestures me towards the front of the truck. I look back at my baby, she is now attached to the Beast’s giant hook. It looks as though she’s about to be dragged back to its  cave where she’ll be violated by a selection of greasy attachments belonging to Beast… not a romantic scene. And me… well Stevo tells me I’ll be riding up top! As I climb into the cab I could feel a wave of sympathy from other road warriors… yes death was the punishment they had wished for but this scene, and what might ensue, looked a little too harsh… after all it could be one of them next time.

Up top in the cab, it looks, feels and smells more like a beasts mouth. I’m sitting on what appears to be a couch upholstered in “wipe clean” black plastic…  a very convenient surface Stevo told me later. At this point I felt the need to remind myself that I too am a man… but did that actually matter to Stevo.

Fortunately there’s not much chat up top – not much anything infact – we just listen to Rod Stewart banging out “The first cut is the deepest” and “If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right”. Stevo’s about the same age as me but that’s where the common ground ends. Clearly we went down different paths at a very early age. Stevo’s path was more a trip around the block than a journey, stopping off at the corner shop to get fags, picking up his wife Kaz at the pub and buying a scratchcard as an investment for his future. Whereas mine has been a path and journey that has taken me to the great unknown, a place where anything is possible and where dreams are made real… ironically the M25 has now reunited me with Stevo; we’re the same age and in the same place but I’m the one broken down.

Thankfully a motorway rescue is short affair… we pull into the next motorway service station, Stevo looks at me “there you go that wasn’t too painful was it” he jumps out the cab and lights up a fag. I gingerly climb out of the Beasts mouth and Stevo gives me a wink… really was that necessary? “Let’s get your girl off the Beast’s hook”.  I walk around the front of the Beast trying not to make eye contact with its headlights. The beast was huge and grubby… I’m sure it was smiling. We gently lowered my baby off the hook, which was now curiously very hot, and released her from the Beasts grip. It may have only been a 3 minute ride but she didn’t look the same girl. I got this feeling that she rather enjoyed being on the back of the Beast, bumping and vibrating along on his giant hook … would she ever be able to respond to me in the same way. Thankfully my own experience with Stevo was a little less traumatic… and maybe we’re a little more alike than I first thought, after all, I spend much of my time going around the “M25” block. Maybe I should invest in a scratchcard and some wipe clean material for life’s spillages.

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So you like it thick and slow…

Thick and slow is never a good a thing when I’m in traffic on the M25. And thick and slow is rarely something to be applauded. But thinner and faster is not always better as pointed out by Frijj who recently reminded me, on a trip around the M25, that not everything can be improved by an increase in speed and a reduction in size.

and available in many flavours

and available in many flavours

This got me thinking… as a guy I’m occasionally reminded by the fairer sex that some things indeed are better thick and delivered slowly… but I’d never quite made the connection to milkshake. So now that I have been enlightened I have a questions for you girls… do we apply the Frijj milkshake topically as part of a sensual massage or is it best served in a glass as a post climatic refreshment?

Procrastination… doing the dinosaur!

After long period of doing nothing I’ve recently got things moving with my blog… but this weekend I can feel an old demon sitting on my keyboard calling at me “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. “ Mr Procrastination.

Oh dear I can feel the excuses begin to wash over me… maybe tomorrow… I think the ironing needs doing… I need to relax… I should call my mum… I really must dust the skirting boards… I’ll just check my email… a game of angry birds might get me in the mood.

Usually I barely recognise procrastination setting in… that is unless I take a look at the pile of unopened letters on my kitchen worktop. But I was alerted to its presence this week whilst on the Eurostar to Paris. Whilst I was surfing the net on my smart phone I came across an article on the bbc website about procrastination – ironically it had caught my attention because I had promised myself I would use the time on the train to prepare for the meeting in Paris and here I was having convinced myself that the preparation I needed for the meeting was to play with my phone and chill out – well it was 6.00am. The article wasn’t offering much in the way of advice to overcome the affliction; it was a list of reader’s tales of procrastination. This was far more therapeutic … there’s something comforting about knowing that you’re not suffering alone. One story in particular made me chuckle; I’ve recounted it below.

A friend of mine, who I’ll call “Dave” (because that was his name), said he would do anything to avoid A-level revision. At one point he infamously found himself weighing the cat, convinced that he would only be able to settle down to work if he had that data to hand. As a result, some 25 years later, the act of procrastination is referred to by my family as “weighing the cat”.

If you want to read the others on the bbc website follow the link.

Now where’s that cat.

Living the dream… but whose dream is it

I’ve recently returned from a holiday on a beach resort near Venice. I’ll not bore you with my holiday snaps or adventures but whilst I was there I did become curious about some of the beach traders and one in particular… Hasan. He walked up and down the beach tirelessly selling, of all things, beach towels… not an easy sell as everyone already had one. A tough job made much worse by the fact he seemed to be carrying his entire stock over his shoulder. And the temperature at the beach ranged from 32-38C.

Yes… the feet do belong to me!

Whilst he was delivering one of his hourly sales pitches which was largely a priced based affair – sounds familiar – I couldn’t help wondering… how did Hasan get this gig – there must have been a bit of marketing spin on that job ad. It got me curious about what the job ad must have looked like.

Yes pure marketing vomit… Hasan didn’t have a chance. And we’re all vulnerable to it, especially our own spin. Most of our decisions are made following a short commercial in our head justifying the actions we are about to take .  I don’t believe there are any worthwhile shortcuts in life… you might get to your destination quicker but it’s the journey that counts. Just ask Hasan about his boat trip.

David Sadler-Smith